Life Lessons from Amy Grant

So, many of my life lessons are wrapped up in Amy Grant songs. Today's is no different. The song that was brought out of the archives into my head was the song..."All I Ever Have To Be". This early 80's song has had a profound impact on me through the years. For most of my life I've been an "in between" kind of a person. What I mean is, I don't necessarily fit into a certain group, a certain class, a certain bracket if you will. In High School, I floated between groups, same with college and my 20's . I had friends in all sorts of groups, yet was not really categorized myself. Most of the time I've been fine with that. Yet, throughout the years, I have had moments (or days...) where I wondered where I really fit. Do I really "belong" anywhere? As I look back I see my life has been enriched with deep friendships that were formed regardless of classifications or social structure. I have life long friendships from people in almost every group imaginable. When I look at it that way, the truth is revealed to me. It matters little what group, it's all about the heart. It's all about Gods design for relationships. He is not bound by social class or appearance.

So, on those days when I am struggling, looking for my "place", I am reminded of this Amy Grant song, the lyrics point me back to where I need to be....

When the weight of all my dreams,
Is resting heavy on my head
And the thoughtful words, of help and hope
Have all been nicely said,

But I'm still hurting, wondering if I'll ever be the one, I think I am...

Then you gently re-remind me,
That you made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best,
The more I get the worst
And I realize the good in me
Is only there because of who you are...

And All I ever have to be is what you made me
Any more or less would be a step out of your plan
As you daily re-create me help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find...


And all I ever have to be...
All I have to be...
All I ever have to be
Is what you made...me!

My Five Letter Word

Pride, its an ugly word. It's one that seems so easy to judge in others, but almost impossible to diagnose in myself. Yet, it is there. It is not pretty. It's so easy to ignore, or rationalize it away. But, really, it's just pride. God used some things this past weekend, to peel back my layers and reveal some areas of pride in my life. The details don't matter, but suffice it to say, that I was humbled.

I'm greatful that God reveals to me, myself. The self that I don't like to admit is there. I was really convicted about that as I went to church on Sunday, only to have the sermon on Sunday morning center around the topic of...you guessed it "Pride". That was the "nail in the coffin" so to speak. I realized that I had been even approaching church with pride... Let me explain. I had fallen into the trap of "What does the church have to offer me?". Really, church is not about me at all! Church is not a social club. It is not a place for me to even get "comfortable". The churches very exsistence is not to "keep" the saved, but to reach the lost. If I go to church with the eyes of " what's in it for me", or asking the questions "What are people thinking about me?" or "How do I measure up with so and so..."; then I miss the whole purpose of church. My eyes are on me. My thoughts are on me. By missing the point, by focusing on myself and not others, I am being proud. I am sinning. These are the things God was revealing to me. I am ashamed of the energy I was wasting worrying about the trivial and hurt by the way I was minimilizing the body of Christ.

I'm greatful today that God does not ask me to clean myself up before I come to Him. He takes me as I am. It's His job to remove the ugliness that so prevades my thoughts and feelings. He died to take away my sin. So Lord, Here I am.....

Today I Choose...

Today I choose....

Today I choose to pray for my husband, instead of nag. For prayers fall on the ears of my saviour, my nagging pushes away the man I love. I choose to understand that "my way" is not the only way. I choose to be content, to love what I have and not to worry about what I don't. I choose to not procrastinate...to make the phone calls, do the dishes and fold the laundry. However, I choose to do these things in a way that does not comprimise my time with my children. I choose to play and not be bothered by the film of dust on the entertainment center, for the dust will be there tomorrow, my child can never re-live today. Today I choose to do the important, not fall prey to the "tyranny of the urgent". Today I choose to turn the TV off during naptime, to spend time thinking, praying and just being still. I choose to smile at the future, not to worry about the un knowns. For, "who by worrying can add a day to thier life..."
Today I choose....

Ice Ice Baby....

It's been a crazy few days here in the Johnson home. We got a huge ice storm over the weekend, and the city is still trying to recover. All of the local schools are going to be closed for a third day. JD and Caleb have ear infections and pink eye, Nathan is just starting to get sick. I love my house, but man are these walls starting to close in on me. I got out today for the first time since Friday. We took an exciting trip to the Doctor. Woo Hoo.

Though I have been cooped up with sick children, I can honestly say I am thankful for a warm house. We lost power for a few hours on Sunday, but thankfully it came back on after a few short hours. There are thousands of people in neighboring communities are still completly without power. I can't imagine enduring an extended power outage with small children...

I'm also thankful for our woodburning stove. We've kept it going almost non-stop. It really cranks out the heat. We even heated up our dinner on it during our short power outage on Sunday night. I felt very "Little House on the Prairie-ish". (Complete with "Pa" who was outside chopping wood)

Bagels, PJ's and an Old Friend

I sit here in my living room....it's a mess. I so remember when I was the only one who made a mess. Now I have two little tornados who can dump over a load of folded laundry and dump out more toys than I knew we had within their first 5 minutes of conciousness each morning! ( I have three children, but Nate only dirities laundry at this point...)

I was reminiscing this morning of my single days. Don't get me wrong, I obviously love my husband and boys...but I have some great memories of my "single days". Some of my best memories are of the times I had with my freind/roomate...Ann. This morning...I am thankful for my friendship with her.

Ann and I met in middle school. We were in the same cabin at "Camp Forest Springs", a great Christian Camp in Wisconsin. After that week at camp, we both went our seperate ways. A few short years later, we re-connected at Freshmen Orientation at Moody Bible Institute. We had both chosen to attend the same college! During our time at Moody we were in "Chorale" (one of the vocal music groups) together. We had a great time. We graduated in the Spring of 1993. Again, we went our seperate ways. She moved back to Wisconsin and I returned to Colorado. Two years later, we were both in need of change. I had gone through a broken engagement and was living at home with my parents...she was working at a small Christian school and living at home with her folks. She tossed out the idea of moving to Denver....I was more than excited.

She moved to Denver the summer of 1995. We moved into our first apartment. It was a small two bedroom treasure. Our balcony had a great view of the mountains...(you had to look past the junk yard of smushed cars, but you could see the mountains none the less). We continued to be roommates for the next 5 years. (minus my one year running the girls home in downtown) We have countless stories and so many fun memories.

I am so greatful for her continued frienship. She moved to Minneapolis the same summer I got married and moved to Arkansas. Since then, our visits have been few and far between. But we burn up the phone lines and keep each other up to date on the happenings in our lives. I'm greatful for the comfort of an "old freind". She really "knows" me. She has been there through the good and the bad and our friendship has stood the test of time (22 years and counting!)

There are mornings like this, where I miss her. Mornings where we would look at each other and say "It's a bagel morning". I can't tell you the number of times we sat at Einsteins Bagel company in our flannel PJ bottoms, sweatshirts and ball caps. We would talk about life, about the Lord...and man could we laugh!

I'm greatful for Ann...

The End of an Era

6:15 am...the phone was ringing.... That can never be good. It was Monty. He was on his way to Oklahoma City for National Guard duty. Our trusty little red car had died. This in and of itself would be enough to frustrate anyone. The hard part was that we had just spent $700 to fix it the day before. UGH.

So, I got up and quickly pulled myself together. I called the neighbor's and one of their girls came over to stay with the boys. I hopped in the car and went to rescue my husband. On the drive up, I was trying to think of what I could be thankful for in the midst of this situation. I was grateful that it had happened early in the morning, with no traffic. Selfishly, I was grateful that it was him (not me and the boys) stranded on the road. I was grateful that Monty was not hurt.

I found a very cold Monty, dressed in full uniform, waiting patiently inside the now useless car. The question we had now was...what to do with the car. We drove into the nearest town. (a small town that bore a frightening resemblance to the town of Radiator Springs in the movie "Cars". It was even on rt 66, frightening huh!?) We found a small car dealership that appeared to be the only place in town that was open. They gave us the name of a salvage yard/ tow truck operator. We called him, he met us at the dealership. He agreed to tow the car to his salvage yard for free. Thus ends the geo prism era of the Johnsons.

So, now we sit in need of a new car. I know that God had supplied all our needs in the past. He will continue to do so in the future. I was grateful for Monty's level head in the midst of everything. I was really angry .... "Why would God let us fix the car, if He knew it would just blow up the next day...? Monty's response..." Well, it's God's money anyway. If this is how He wanted to spend His money...then so be it". I was not so easily pacified in the moment. But, his response made me settle down and admit he was right. God is in control. He does have our best interests at heart, and for that I am grateful!

Rest, Silly Songs and Scissors

Today I am thankful for feeling rested. I've been so tired lately. I don't know if it's just coming off the holidays or what, but I've had the hardest time getting up and around. But, this morning, the boys slept unitl 8:30 which meant I got to sleep unitl 8:30. I'm thankful for the energy I've had this morning.

I got the boys up and fed and dressed. We sang praise music during breakfast. Or, really I just sang really loudly during an old rendition of "You're My Brother , You're my sister" that was playing on the radio. (complete with original choreography I might add) I'm thankful I can still be silly.

I'm greatful for JD's soft heart. He is currently covering baby Nate up with a blanket. He was afraid Nathan might be cold. I'm thankful that Caleb has not killed himself. I've found him on the kitchen counters twice already, playing with scissors.

I'm thankful for a cloudy, rainy day. The kind of day that makes it alright to still be in my PJ's at 11:33 am.

I'm greatful for my Jesus, who continues to show me daily who He is through the eyes of my children.

I'm greatful for questions I get to answer everyday.... Like JD yesterday, who was looking out the window, wondering where God was. "Where is God Mommy".... I can't see him!

I'm greatful for DVD's that can keep my kids entertained while I take a few minutes and get a shower!

More tomorrow....

My Hero

Ahh...a few minutes of peace. Nathan is asleep in the swing, JD and Caleb are transfixed by the movie "Cars" and I am finally sitting down to begin my blogging career... I am going to blatently steal an idea from a friend here...This is going to be my "Thankful" blog. A place where I conciously record the happenings and relationships that I am so fortunante to have as a part of my story.

I want to start my Thankful blog by writing about my husband. I sometimes take him so forgranted. I have so much to be thankful for in him. Let me take you back a few years....

Monty and I met in the fall of 1998. I was 27 he was 31. I was running a girls home in downtown Denver. He was working at Youth for Christ and was the associate youth minister at a local church. We didnt start dating right away....but I did watch him a lot. You see, I had been hurt before and I was not about to fall for the first guy to come my way. I was a bit gunshy. But, as I found out..so was he. Yet, God in His soverignty brought us togehter.

I remember our wedding day... August 19, 2000. So many guys get "cold feet", but not Monty. He was so sure. He was all smiles. He was so excited to start our life together. Our honeymoon was amazing. We went to Cozumel...we went scuba diving, ate lobster on a dinner cruise and spent time sitting in hammocks by the ocean not saying anything..but just enjoying being us.

We lived in Arkansas the first couple years of our marriage. Monty worked as a jeweler, and I worked as a youth director at our church. The church went through a nasty split during our first six months there. I remember being so hurt and frustrated...Monty was my rock during that time. He was my rock. When my world crumbled...he was the one I went home to. HE was the one who saw me. When I was with him...I did not have to be "Strong" anymore. With him, it was ok to be scared and hurt. He was amazing.

We moved to Joplin, MO in August of 2002. Monty headed back to school. This was a major undertaking for him. He had ghosts to face in Joplin. He faced them head on. He was a different person than he had been. He was able to finish strong...to prove to himself that he could finish what he started. We bought our first home. Life was good. In November of that year, we found out we were pregnant. We also lost that baby. When that day came..and we realized that that little one was gone...Monty once again was the person who held me. He was the one who bought me our kitten "Mo", so I would have somthing "little" to take care of. He held me and let me cry. He was patient with my while I greived. He greived too...but his main concern was for me. I remember laying in bed just exhausted with grief...and he held me..wiped away the tears and prayed. Once again...he was my safe place.

A few months later we found out we were pregnant again. He was there for me through each stage of pregnancy. He took a 12 week natural childbirthing class with me. When JD arrived, he again was there. Helping me remember to relax. He was a proud Daddy. He took care of both of us. Somehow he balanced being a new Dad, taking 18 hours a semester and working full time. No one could ever accuse Monty of being lazy.

He finished up at OCC (Ozark Christian College) in the Spring of 2004. I was so proud of him. He had worked so hard and done what seemed to him to be impossible. He graduated and was heading into youth ministry. Being a youth pastor was his dream, what he felt called to do...

December of 2004, was Calebs drastic entrance into the world. (That is a whole different blog post yet to come) We were on our way to Flordia for a job interview for MOnty. I ended up having Caleb 9 weeks early while we were in Florida. Monty was once again my strong one while Caleb spent 4 weeks in the NICU. He was there for me as I recovered from a C- Section. He was the one who flew back to Joplin and in a week had our home up on the market, everything packed up and moved to Florida. I remember seeing him walk in the church in Florida on Christmas eve. He was a bit dishevled from traveling...but he made it in time for Christmas. I just remember the sense of relief I felt when I saw his blonde head walk through the door. I knew it was going to be OK. He was there..it was going to be OK.

We were in Florida for such a short time. Monty finally had his dream job. He was a youth pastor...he was so excited. That excitement was short lived as things at the church came crashing down within 8 months. I saw my hero broken. The man I loved was dissilousioned and hurt. He shut down. We moved to Denver. He pulled into a shell. All I could do was pray for him. I knew he would once again rise above things...I knew God would heal his heart. I just didn't know when.

May 2006 we moved to Oklahoma. We bought a house, life once again started to feel normal. Monty's scars were less visible. He was smiling again. He began to dream once more. He began his pursuit of the military chapliancy. A calling to one of the biggest "youth ministries" ever. He was ordained at College Heights in Joplin, He was commissioned as a 2nd Lt in the National Guard. HE beagan to look up again. I could tell that God had "restored what the locusts had eaten". I think he will always bear some scars...but the hurt is not overbearing anymore.

We had our third baby this fall. Once again, it was a close call for me. I will not soon forget seeing his tear filled eyes look at me while I was recovering from surgery. It's one of the only times I've seen my hero scared.

I can forget the many ways that my husband has been there. I can let the "dailyness" of life point out his flaws. I can be impatient and unkind at times. Yet even in my "ugly" moments, Monty has been patient. He has been gentle. He has been kind. However, he has been strong. He has led this family in a strong Godly manner. He protects us. He cherishes us. My boys will never have to wonder how thier Dad feels about them. He tells them everyday.
I never have to wonder how he feels about me. He loves me no matter what. I am greatful for the gift God gave me in Monty. I will love him forever. Thank you Lord for giving me exaclty what I prayed for. You are good to me.