November 2004

I'm not even sure how to begin this blog. I want to write about two events. Two events that took place during November and December 2004. These events changed me. These events were perhaps the most difficult times I've ever faced. It seems that the world stopped and how or when it started spinning again, I'm not sure. I do know that it was during these two events that I learned what dependence upon God really meant. I think I'm just going to recount these events in two seperate entries. I'm going to share some of my actual journal notes during that time....

November 2004,

"....Mary Zane called to let me know that her Dad had fallen on Saturday.
He was in the ICU in Denver. She was flying home from Waco on Sunday. Monty was candidating at a church in Nowata, OK that day. We went to the church...all through the service I got updates. Gil did not look good. We decided to head out to Denver on Monday night. Miraculously, God provided for our financial needs to make the trip possible. We left Monday night and drove halfway. We got into Denver on Tuesday afternoon. We dropped JD off at my parents house and went right to the hospital. I went back to the room with Chris and Mary Zane. Chris was sitting in a chair by his Dad's bed. Gil had tubes coming out of his head. Half his head was shaved and he had a trachea in so he could breathe. I walked over to Chris and he fell apart. I stood there and held him as he cried. Mary Zane came over and the three of us hugged and cried.


The next days and couple of weeks are a blur. Full of hospital visits. One of my best memories is from the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Mary Zane and I had gone out for coffee (at Starbucks of course) and then visited her Dad. He had had surgery to try to relieve the pressure in his brain. They cut his head from ear to ear and stitched it up loosely, hoping that that would allow the brain to swell and relieve the pressure. I went over and spent the night at their house. The next morning Chris was there, and the three of us laid on Gils bed and we talked and laughed. Chris and I had lunch at Chipotle that day. After lunch, I went back to my folks house.

I was getting ready for the Thanksgiving Eve service at my parents church when Mary Zane called. She told me that her Dad's brain pressures had skyrocketed and basically "strangled" his brain. They made the decision to withdraw care. That's a decision no 18 and 19 year old should ever have to make. I sat JD down in my Moms lap, got in the car and sped to the hospital. I don't even remember the drive there. I got there and hugged MZ. They had moved Gil to a private room. The nurse came in and turned off the monitors, removed the ventilator tube from the trech and we waited. I had everyone gather around and we prayed.

All in all it was just weird. Standing around waiting for someone to die. There was a crowd of people in the waiting room. In a strange way, I felt honored to be able to be in the room with the kids. We didn't know how long it would take. His breathing was rhythmical. The kids went up and held his hands. I stood beside them or behind them. Even now, as I look back on it all, it doesn't seem real. I just cant seem to let myself believe that this is really happening. It just feels like a really clear memory of a horrible dream. The nurse came in and told us that because his heart was strong, this could take awhile. I remember holding his had and promising that I would take care of his children. I remember praying .." Lord, just make it quick". Not a prayer I wanted to pray, nor one I really wanted answered. What I really wanted was for him to "Snap Out of it". To just wake up. But, instead, we were here in this cold hospital and my prayer was more for the kids than for Gil.

Chris requested a few minutes alone with is Dad. I went out to the lobby to give everyone an update. When I got back in, they scurried us back into the room. Gil was about to enter Paradise. His color had gone from fairly normal, to a sickly green. His breathing was shallow and sporadic. Chris and Mary Zane went and held his hands. Both were crying. MZ kept telling him to "go home Daddy..." Then it was over. He just simply stopped breathing. We shuffled out of the room. I got details and paper work on the morgue and funeral home. We met people in the lobby. Lots of hugs, sniffs and tears. Then we all walked to our cars. Strange to leave and do something normal, like drive. I felt like everyone around should be sad too. It was cold and dark. We all felt numb.

I went back to my parents house. They were home from church. Mom was giving JD a bath. I went in and finished up. It was such a stark contrast. Here I was bathing a little 14 month old in warm soapy water. He smiled and babbled happily. I knelt down on the floor with tears running down my face. I got JD to bed, and packed up my stuff and headed over to Chris and Mary Zanes. I got ready for bed. I slept in Mary Zanes bed that night. We laid there and talked about her Dad. She made the comment that now I have 5 kids. Chris, her, JD, Caleb (who was not born yet) and our little one in heaven already. I told her that her Dad could be my kids nanny in heaven. We chuckled at that. I laid there, feeling Caleb move around inside me~ Thinking about death and it's finality and birth with it's new beginning. I wasn't waxing philosophical or anything, just noting the contrast...."

That was three years ago. It's still so vivid and fresh in my mind. Please pray for Chris and Mary Zane as they face another Holiday Season with out their parents. (They lost their Mom to breast cancer when they were 3 and 4). I love these kids and I loved their Dad. He was a great man, a wonderful Father and a dear friend. Thanks for taking time to walk through this memory with me....